and I can't believe I haven't written anything! Life has a way of becoming a whirlwind that scoops you up, twists you around, then dumps you on the ground when you least expect it!
Having started to revisit our experiences with Charlotte, I didn't realize I was going to release years of pent up emotions and stress. Everyone told me how well I was handling it, how strong I was...I thought I was handling it well too. Crying when I needed too, venting when I needed too, yelling when I needed too...but I guess it wasn't enough. I suppose, if I hadn't repressed some of the emotions and stress, I wouldn't have survived it. The human spirit/mind is an amazing thing. Now that Charlotte is healthy, happy and safe, I am now able to relax and let things go. Starting to revisit and write this blog pulled out the cork! The emotional spillage is starting to affect me physically, and not in a good way.
If I'm being honest, the last few years I have been in a lumpy state. Not wanting to do anything above and beyond just surviving. Knowing that I have to cook and do laundry, do things for the kids, for myself. But I've just been existing, not living. I may be depressed, I may be lazy, but I'm not being my true authentic self. I think it's because I just don't have the energy. I know in my head I have to tackle the projects that need doing, go to bed earlier and get a good nights sleep, eat better...but I don't have the energy. I'm using all my energy to help others, that I'm not leaving anything for me.
It all came to a head in the most inappropriate time. It was the day of the girls Spring Show. The big Ballet show put on every year by the dance school. Charlotte was excited to be a blue bird, Lindsay was so happy to be a mini-lead for an adorable bunch of 3 year olds for the first time ever, and getting to perform her first piece as a Vimy Student. The growth she has shown since starting the Professional Dance Program, and was excited to be dancing in both shows. As the president of the parents committee, I was helping all day, coordinating volunteers and making sure everything was going well, AND making sure my girls were ready and, with Gord's help, there on time. I was running around all day, making sure I drank lots of water and eating when I needed too. I thrive on stuff like this and really enjoy it. But, I was happy that I was going to be able to sit and watch the evening performance that Lindsay was in.
I was happily seated in the audience, getting to watch the show. The lights dimmed and the show began. I noticed that my heart started to race and I had a super hot flush come over my entire body. Then, as I kept checking my pulse, I started having slight pains in my chest, arms and shoulder. Nausea started and my heart rate kept increasing. "This can't be a heart attack" I thought as I was relaxed and calm. "Could it be anxiety?" No, cause I'm relaxed and calm. "But I've never felt like this before, and in women of my age, heart attacks can be identical to heart attacks." Well, I left the show at a perfect opportunity, then went to the green room. I phoned 911 and Health Link and my friend took me to the hospital.
I don't want to relive that night anymore but to say that it wasn't a heart attack, but it scared me silly. I am currently wearing a 2 week Heart Event Monitor and have an appointment for an Echo and meeting with a cardiologist on April 19. I think it was an anxiety/stress release, as my astute friend pointed out, but I don't want to rule out anything heart related, as I have had heart palpitations in the past. With our family history its best to not take anything lightly.
It's amazing what the human body is capable off. What we can endure. But we can't be blind to what stress and emotions can do to us. It is so important to let our feelings out, whatever way feels comfortable. And not to worry what others think of us.
I am currently reading "Carly's Voice". A book written by Arthur Fleischmann, Carly's father. She is a girl with Severe Autism who is now an advocate for those with Autism. She has found her voice through the wonders of technology. She is showing us that they are in their, they just struggle to come out. I am reading things with tears streaming down my face as I relate to their families struggles. Yes Charlotte is verbal, yes she can communicate, yes she is relatively normal. But she's not. Her brain is wired differently and we struggle, well I struggle, everyday to figure out what is best for her. If I'm giving here everything she needs or failing miserably. Once I am done the book, I think I will have to write them a thank you note for sharing such a personal story with the world. This book is touching me in ways I never though possible and letting more of the emotions to spill out through my tears. I think it is a MUST READ for everyone! "Carly's Voice"
Happy Easter to all
Tiffany
